Our time together was so fleeting, but I want you to know that your presence will always be with me. Although I only held you in my womb for such a short time, you will always be a part of me-- you may have left my belly, but you never left my heart. There will always be a home for you there.
You weren’t ready for the world this time, or maybe it wasn’t ready for you. Your body may not have been equipped to handle you- and so your spirit was released- was set free to wait until the right time, and the right body, a vessel worthy of your sweet and special soul.
Your Aunt Jessica told me that when a baby is lost, his or her soul is released- so although we are apart for now, I know that you will return to me when it is your time. I have learned that often the best things in life do not happen in the timing or the manner that we have planned, but I want you to know that your timing is perfect, and I know that you are worth the wait. You are worth the hope and love and gratitude that you brought to my heart, and you are also worth the pain. I know that this not the last time that you will bring me all of those emotions.
I know that when you return, you will not be the same as you were. I mourn the loss of who you were inside of me, but I know that your soul is free- and when it returns in the form of a new life, I will recognize you and the flecks of a familiar spirit within that new life.
I want you to know that you were wanted and that you were created with so much love. I want you to know that the memories of you will always be with us- from dreaming and planning for you, learning of you and sharing the news of you with your daddy-- to the ways that you changed my heart and prepared me for motherhood.
I want you to know that you taught me so much. You have disarmed my heart and made it vulnerable in a powerful and refining way. You have forced me to surrender control of things that were never truly within my control and instilled within me the truth that so many aspects of this journey are not up to me- that it doesn’t have to unfold how I have envisioned for it to be perfect in its messy and inextricably flawed imperfection- and that this is a truth of motherhood that will persist throughout each new season we walk through together. You have reminded me that there is beauty and hope to be found in unexpected and even painful places, and granted me perspective to let go of certain things that were deceivingly cloaked in a facade of value and the very notion that certain things happening in certain ways even lent value to this experience in the first place. You have re-centered me and prepared me to be unprepared. You have quieted every doubt I had that I may not be selfless enough or strong enough to be ready for you and worthy of you and replaced it with the resolve that my love for you is more powerful than my inevitable shortcomings. You have prepared my heart to be a mother in so many ways.
Beyond my heart, you have strengthened my resolve to treat everyone I meet with kindness and polished the lens through which I see others with the luster of compassion, grounded in the deep knowledge that I don’t know their story and what battles they may be struggling; that what we see on the surface is only just that- one superficial layer. And although we may never know what others have walked through to get to the moment we share with them or what pain may have precluded the happiness we celebrate with them- we can still honor that part of their journey through a silent but powerful knowing of the unknown.
I want you to know that you have also strengthened the bond between your Daddy and I and made me love him in a new and deeper way- both in gratitude for the creation and gift of you and in the way he has loved me through the loss of you.
Little one, you are forever part of our family’s story and forever a part of me. Your little soul is free now- may you soar and adventure in the land of Angels until you are ready for Earth. Although I long for you to return, I trust in your timing, and I rejoice in the fact that even from the start, you will walk the path that is right for you and you will live life on your terms. I hope that from this day forward, and when you return in a new earthly form, that you will always live life on your terms, even if the world isn’t ready.
This wasn’t your time. This wasn’t our time. But when that time does come...I want you know I am ready to receive you with open arms. Until then, I will walk around with a piece of me missing, but I will be alright, because it is through our brokenness that we are rebuilt stronger, and through these cracks that we allow light to permeate and fill us with new hope.
Soar high, little love, and I will be here waiting for you when you are ready. Until then, I will miss you every day.
Love,
Mommy
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| She found that the light and dark could co-exist. She could hold sadness and hope, disappointment and joy, frustration and potential and heartache all together. |
